Dissolving the apparent conflict between authenticity and care for others.
When we think about being honest or authentic with others, we sometimes hold back because we are afraid they will not like it, not like us or somehow it will only add fuel to the fire. In other words, we see it as a block.
We use terms such as ”brutal honesty”, “the hard cold facts” , “let ME tell you how it is”. It’s not surprising that others may become defensive if this is our intention.
How different might our language be if we first had the intention to offer our authenticity as a gift to another? I really want you to understand and see what’s going on inside of me and I want the same from you as a way for us to bridge our differences and care for each other.
Using the tools of Nonviolent Communication gives a frame of reference to venture out and offer our “gift” with the intention to bridge differences and care for ourselves as well as the other.
Using self-responsibility to lay the foundation for the bridge– this is what is going on in ME about ME. “ I’m having these thoughts…”, “I’m telling myself….” “it’s my understanding….” is a way to own our “truth”.
Follow this with “checking” what the other heard can invite the other to cross back on the bridge towards you. “Can you tell me what you heard, so we both have clarity?” Was message sent, message received?
Or, I’m checking, what’s going on for you about what I said?” This is an invitation to meet me part-way and I want to hear it and receive it as a gift.
By the way, we can receive it as a gift if we use our NVC skills to only hear what is behind the other’s judgments or thoughts about us. Remember the other person is attempting to be authentic as well, in their own way. And what is behind their words is something that is important to them – a universal need that we all share as human beings.
When you have something to say to another, ask yourself: “Do I want to create a block or a bridge? Can I say these words authentically with care for me and the other?”
Once we create a bridge, with authenticity, and invite the other to join us, we are more likely to find resolutions to our conflicts that include care for everyone.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
I received a request from a friend to help her out in a too common situation. Relationship trouble. I replied to her and asked if I could share her question and my answer with my readers as a way to contribute to learning. Here is her question:
Carol, I had a breakdown in communication with my boyfriend. We got into an argument because we had gone to a party with a bunch of our friends, and he said that I hadn't given him any attention because I was so focused on everyone else.
When he confronted me with this issue, instead of hearing him out with what he had to say, I instantly shut him out and tried to defend myself. I tried to justify myself not paying him much attention by saying that we were both busy socializing with everyone and that I hadn't seen my friends in a while so I had missed them. This argument quickly changed from a simple discussion to voices being raised because we both just stopped hearing one another. I was very frustrated with the argument at the time because I felt like I needed understanding and consideration for my feelings about missing my friends. My job keeps me so busy, I just wanted a break and to laugh with my buds.
I realized I was so focused on my own needs that I didn't recognize that he had needs as well. At the time, I think he would have liked reassurance, belonging and intimacy. Unfortunately, I had failed to recognize that my avoidance had led to that. What should I do now?
Carol's Reply:
Friend, thank you for your question and your willingness to share your situation with my followers. From your description above, you sound disappointed that you did not connect with your boyfriend in a way that could have been more nurturing to both of you. I am appreciating what sounds to me like taking responsibility for your part. Hindsight can be valuable and at the same time, I hear you wish you had communicated differently.
I'd like to set forth a possibility of the way it might have gone if you had your "giraffe (NVC) ears on" as a way to offer learning. It may not have gone exactly the way I am portraying it, but I am extending it out a little so you can get the understanding of what to do when someone has resistance to connecting after our first empathy guess doesn't land.
Sometimes before I go back to the other person for a "do-over", I imagine how the discussion might have gone had I used my tools. So here is my idea of how you might picture it.
In the above case, when your boyfriend said what he said and you noticed you shut down, I can imagine you at that moment silently speaking to yourself (first with all your judgments) "wow, I didn't like what he said or the way he said it! He's not very understanding. Why does it have to be all about him? Let me breathe. What's going on for me? As I notice myself thinking these thoughts and shutting down, I am disappointed and rather than judgments from him, I want understanding about how much I have missed my friends and I want him to be generous and encourage me to spend time with them."
Ok, now that I am self-connected, I can offer him some empathy. "Boyfriend, are you disappointed because you want us to spend time together and you want reassurance that will happen tonight?"
He might say, "No, not tonight, right now!"
You could answer (with empathy): "Yes, and I also hear that you would like reassurance our spending time together is mutually important to me and maybe even a priority?"
"Yes."
"Well, hearing that (followed with honest expression), I am really torn because I want to spend time with you and I also want to spend time with my friends I haven't seen for awhile. I am wondering if you have an idea how we might arrange our time so I could do both?"
"It sounds like your friends are more important than me."
Silent Self-empathy "Oh brother, I thought if I was honest he'd be more understanding. I am really trying here and he isn't helping. So, guess I am disappointed and really wanting some hope right now we can work things out."
Empathy to Boyfriend: "Are you worried and want reassurance and care for what's important to you?"
Boyfriend: "Well, I want you to get what's important to you too, I just don't want it to cut into my time."
Silent self -empathy: At this point I feel relieved, because he is now including me and my concerns. "Boyfriend, I am touched hearing you want to consider what's important to me as well, that really is comforting and reassuring. Would you be willing to tell me how you feel hearing this?"
Boyfriend: "Well, er, I don't know, I kind of like how nice you are being about this.
You: "Thank you, I appreciate your noticing and wonder if it is because you know you matter and I want to find a way that is mutually satisfying to both of us?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah. Well, maybe you could spend the next half hour with your friends and then check in with me."
You: "I'm happy you have willingness to make that suggestion and think it's a great plan."
(kiss on the cheek).
It is my belief that every time we go back and have a do-over (in our own mind), that it somehow energetically affects how the other person is holding the situation. If I later physically go back and ask the other person something like, "I am sad and didn't like the way things ended with our conversation about the party, I'd like to suggest a do-over. Would you be willing to talk about it with me now?" My experience is that the other person is much more willing and in a shifted place as well. I believe it is the magic of empathy.
I would love to know if this was a contribution.
Carol, I had a breakdown in communication with my boyfriend. We got into an argument because we had gone to a party with a bunch of our friends, and he said that I hadn't given him any attention because I was so focused on everyone else.
When he confronted me with this issue, instead of hearing him out with what he had to say, I instantly shut him out and tried to defend myself. I tried to justify myself not paying him much attention by saying that we were both busy socializing with everyone and that I hadn't seen my friends in a while so I had missed them. This argument quickly changed from a simple discussion to voices being raised because we both just stopped hearing one another. I was very frustrated with the argument at the time because I felt like I needed understanding and consideration for my feelings about missing my friends. My job keeps me so busy, I just wanted a break and to laugh with my buds.
I realized I was so focused on my own needs that I didn't recognize that he had needs as well. At the time, I think he would have liked reassurance, belonging and intimacy. Unfortunately, I had failed to recognize that my avoidance had led to that. What should I do now?
Carol's Reply:
Friend, thank you for your question and your willingness to share your situation with my followers. From your description above, you sound disappointed that you did not connect with your boyfriend in a way that could have been more nurturing to both of you. I am appreciating what sounds to me like taking responsibility for your part. Hindsight can be valuable and at the same time, I hear you wish you had communicated differently.
I'd like to set forth a possibility of the way it might have gone if you had your "giraffe (NVC) ears on" as a way to offer learning. It may not have gone exactly the way I am portraying it, but I am extending it out a little so you can get the understanding of what to do when someone has resistance to connecting after our first empathy guess doesn't land.
Sometimes before I go back to the other person for a "do-over", I imagine how the discussion might have gone had I used my tools. So here is my idea of how you might picture it.
In the above case, when your boyfriend said what he said and you noticed you shut down, I can imagine you at that moment silently speaking to yourself (first with all your judgments) "wow, I didn't like what he said or the way he said it! He's not very understanding. Why does it have to be all about him? Let me breathe. What's going on for me? As I notice myself thinking these thoughts and shutting down, I am disappointed and rather than judgments from him, I want understanding about how much I have missed my friends and I want him to be generous and encourage me to spend time with them."
Ok, now that I am self-connected, I can offer him some empathy. "Boyfriend, are you disappointed because you want us to spend time together and you want reassurance that will happen tonight?"
He might say, "No, not tonight, right now!"
You could answer (with empathy): "Yes, and I also hear that you would like reassurance our spending time together is mutually important to me and maybe even a priority?"
"Yes."
"Well, hearing that (followed with honest expression), I am really torn because I want to spend time with you and I also want to spend time with my friends I haven't seen for awhile. I am wondering if you have an idea how we might arrange our time so I could do both?"
"It sounds like your friends are more important than me."
Silent Self-empathy "Oh brother, I thought if I was honest he'd be more understanding. I am really trying here and he isn't helping. So, guess I am disappointed and really wanting some hope right now we can work things out."
Empathy to Boyfriend: "Are you worried and want reassurance and care for what's important to you?"
Boyfriend: "Well, I want you to get what's important to you too, I just don't want it to cut into my time."
Silent self -empathy: At this point I feel relieved, because he is now including me and my concerns. "Boyfriend, I am touched hearing you want to consider what's important to me as well, that really is comforting and reassuring. Would you be willing to tell me how you feel hearing this?"
Boyfriend: "Well, er, I don't know, I kind of like how nice you are being about this.
You: "Thank you, I appreciate your noticing and wonder if it is because you know you matter and I want to find a way that is mutually satisfying to both of us?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah. Well, maybe you could spend the next half hour with your friends and then check in with me."
You: "I'm happy you have willingness to make that suggestion and think it's a great plan."
(kiss on the cheek).
It is my belief that every time we go back and have a do-over (in our own mind), that it somehow energetically affects how the other person is holding the situation. If I later physically go back and ask the other person something like, "I am sad and didn't like the way things ended with our conversation about the party, I'd like to suggest a do-over. Would you be willing to talk about it with me now?" My experience is that the other person is much more willing and in a shifted place as well. I believe it is the magic of empathy.
I would love to know if this was a contribution.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
How to Listen with Compassion
"Why won't you listen to me?" Sound familiar? One of the reasons we have trouble hearing someone else is because our minds are often racing and we are encouraged to multi-task to get things done. It isn't our common practice to focus on what is important to the other to the point of understanding their point of view, to be present with them. 99% of the time, in my opinion, what people want most is to know that they matter.
Here's a secret or two. One, the practice of keying in to what they are telling you is important to them, can confirm acceptance and reassurance. Second, we are well trained in describing what we don't want, so Flip the Coin. What would the other side of the coin look like. How wonderful would that side be flushed out fully. These two simple tips can change your perspective while practicing presence.
Learn the four step foundational process in sessions that are lively and fun. Stop the blame game and find a way to express and listen that connects to what is important to each person. Contact me for more information on classes or telephone coaching.
Here's a secret or two. One, the practice of keying in to what they are telling you is important to them, can confirm acceptance and reassurance. Second, we are well trained in describing what we don't want, so Flip the Coin. What would the other side of the coin look like. How wonderful would that side be flushed out fully. These two simple tips can change your perspective while practicing presence.
Learn the four step foundational process in sessions that are lively and fun. Stop the blame game and find a way to express and listen that connects to what is important to each person. Contact me for more information on classes or telephone coaching.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Uncovering our Compassionate Inherent Nature
In working with inmates at San Quentin prison, I was touched by their longing to find a way to express their frustration and despair in a way that doesn't result in violence. These men have been told that they are "bad" and by being punished when they are released, they will be "good".
In teaching them Nonviolent Communication, (based on Marshall Rosenberg's work- a philosophy that we are inherently compassionate and not against violence, but FOR life and the well-being of all people) I witnessed an excitement and hope that they might be able to connect differently with people to see what is behind their actions (in an attempt to meet the need that is motivating this action) and to see that there could be a different choice.
The question I'd like to explore is how can we uncover the peace that already exists. Deciding what is just and unjust can imply that someone is right and someone is wrong. If that is so, our present justice system then decides that someone deserves to be punished and the other rewarded. This "thinking" that has been the social norm for thousands of years is the basis of retributive justice. Are we mixing up value judgments with moral judgments? I don't want to be the authority telling people what is right and what is wrong, what is just and what is unjust. Instead I want to connect with the "life" in them that is motivating their words or actions. If I judge that George Bush is a monster, I'm not connecting with his desire to protect and create safety. I'm also not connecting with the fact that seeing his attempt to protect people, I feel terrified and I don't feel any safer. At this level I am at-one with the humanness of our dilemma. We both have a need for safety and it is only at the level of strategy that we disagree. When I focus on this, I no longer see an alien.
So, again it is getting back to the thinking that is perpetuating violence. Looking past the story or blame, which is actually the causing the pain, not the stimulus or effect, there are two things that distinguish truly nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, there is no enemy in the nonviolent point of view. Thinking is focused on protecting your needs or life-serving values and second, your intention is not to make anyone suffer.
How can we prevent violence today in connection with our world situation? To this point I believe we have not been listening to the messages coming to us from the Arab world. This pain of theirs has been expressed over and over for years. Responding with empathy or understanding for their pain could begin a dialog of a radically different sort. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, "We are getting to a point where our best protection is to communicate with the people we're most afraid of." I may not agree with their actions or words, but I can find common ground in the needs that are motivating their choices.
Is there someone in your life whose actions stimulate pain in you? Are you willing to look behind their words or actions and see if you can find the need they are ATTEMPTING to meet? Can you connect first with the common ground of their humanity (universal needs or values) first before you attempt to correct the situation or offer solutions? If I can start by connecting with my own peace and attempt to understand what is behind the pain of another, we might be able to start from a place of commonality instead of differences.
I would enjoy hearing back from anyone who is stimulated by this commentary.
If you would like more information about Nonviolent Communication & Marshall Rosenberg see www.cnvc.org
In teaching them Nonviolent Communication, (based on Marshall Rosenberg's work- a philosophy that we are inherently compassionate and not against violence, but FOR life and the well-being of all people) I witnessed an excitement and hope that they might be able to connect differently with people to see what is behind their actions (in an attempt to meet the need that is motivating this action) and to see that there could be a different choice.
The question I'd like to explore is how can we uncover the peace that already exists. Deciding what is just and unjust can imply that someone is right and someone is wrong. If that is so, our present justice system then decides that someone deserves to be punished and the other rewarded. This "thinking" that has been the social norm for thousands of years is the basis of retributive justice. Are we mixing up value judgments with moral judgments? I don't want to be the authority telling people what is right and what is wrong, what is just and what is unjust. Instead I want to connect with the "life" in them that is motivating their words or actions. If I judge that George Bush is a monster, I'm not connecting with his desire to protect and create safety. I'm also not connecting with the fact that seeing his attempt to protect people, I feel terrified and I don't feel any safer. At this level I am at-one with the humanness of our dilemma. We both have a need for safety and it is only at the level of strategy that we disagree. When I focus on this, I no longer see an alien.
So, again it is getting back to the thinking that is perpetuating violence. Looking past the story or blame, which is actually the causing the pain, not the stimulus or effect, there are two things that distinguish truly nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, there is no enemy in the nonviolent point of view. Thinking is focused on protecting your needs or life-serving values and second, your intention is not to make anyone suffer.
How can we prevent violence today in connection with our world situation? To this point I believe we have not been listening to the messages coming to us from the Arab world. This pain of theirs has been expressed over and over for years. Responding with empathy or understanding for their pain could begin a dialog of a radically different sort. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, "We are getting to a point where our best protection is to communicate with the people we're most afraid of." I may not agree with their actions or words, but I can find common ground in the needs that are motivating their choices.
Is there someone in your life whose actions stimulate pain in you? Are you willing to look behind their words or actions and see if you can find the need they are ATTEMPTING to meet? Can you connect first with the common ground of their humanity (universal needs or values) first before you attempt to correct the situation or offer solutions? If I can start by connecting with my own peace and attempt to understand what is behind the pain of another, we might be able to start from a place of commonality instead of differences.
I would enjoy hearing back from anyone who is stimulated by this commentary.
If you would like more information about Nonviolent Communication & Marshall Rosenberg see www.cnvc.org
Saturday, September 25, 2010
5 Habits to Creating Better Relationships
Learn the 5 mistakes to avoid when communication breaks down. Replace them with 5 new habits of communication in a lively and interactive class setting with Conflict Mediation Coach Carol Chase.
I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation and the next thing I know he is ranting and raving.
It’s like a switch was flipped and he went off on me.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful mistakes and sometimes relationship crushing habits.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before my 4 divorces. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but I think they are missing the boat.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them can be very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is the LISTENING SWITCH. Make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a caring and compassionate conversation – to defending yourself against judgments and blame from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know what flipped the switch, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or loud – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s so frustrating. It can be at this point you experience a sense of powerlessness or despair.
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to turn it back on… to get back the trust again, to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and there are hurt feelings, confusion, ed, misunderstanding and blame… becoming either defensive or wanting to hurtback. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage the love may still exist… but getting along is challenging, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Or they travel down the river of Denial, Giving Up or Giving In.
Maybe you are single and don't want to make these mistakes again. It's hard to want to get back in the dating game, when you are, like I was, O for 4 and didn't have much hope of things being different
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
Consider having compassion for yourself. Most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You now have some possible answers, available right now.
There is a communication method that will help you open ears and be heard, open minds and be understood, and open hearts listening with compassion.
What you are about to discover is a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this class, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Building your Case rather than Connection
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Assuming (making an ass out of you and me)
mistake 4) Stuffing It
mistake 5) Fixing It
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: What usually happens when we think someone is not getting us? We often talk faster and louder. I know I sure did. There is a myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop. (See my offer below for more details)
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciat or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 answers to intimate and compassionate communication, register for my 4 week interactive DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS class, beginning Tuesday, October 19th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Center for Spiritual Living, 2075 Occidental Road, Santa Rosa. We will look at the 5 mistakes or habits which are keeping us stuck and develop 5 new habits to cultivate to get the types of relationships that feed us.
Contact me by October 5th for the Early Bird Special of $80; $100 thereafter.
E-mail me at revdupcc@juno.com and recieve FREE, Tip 1 - The Feedback Loop.
Carol Chase, Compassionate Ways Communication
Conflict Mediation and Relationship Coach
Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.compassionateways.blogspot.com
I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation and the next thing I know he is ranting and raving.
It’s like a switch was flipped and he went off on me.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful mistakes and sometimes relationship crushing habits.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before my 4 divorces. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but I think they are missing the boat.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them can be very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is the LISTENING SWITCH. Make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a caring and compassionate conversation – to defending yourself against judgments and blame from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know what flipped the switch, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or loud – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s so frustrating. It can be at this point you experience a sense of powerlessness or despair.
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to turn it back on… to get back the trust again, to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and there are hurt feelings, confusion, ed, misunderstanding and blame… becoming either defensive or wanting to hurtback. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage the love may still exist… but getting along is challenging, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Or they travel down the river of Denial, Giving Up or Giving In.
Maybe you are single and don't want to make these mistakes again. It's hard to want to get back in the dating game, when you are, like I was, O for 4 and didn't have much hope of things being different
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
Consider having compassion for yourself. Most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You now have some possible answers, available right now.
There is a communication method that will help you open ears and be heard, open minds and be understood, and open hearts listening with compassion.
What you are about to discover is a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this class, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Building your Case rather than Connection
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Assuming (making an ass out of you and me)
mistake 4) Stuffing It
mistake 5) Fixing It
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: What usually happens when we think someone is not getting us? We often talk faster and louder. I know I sure did. There is a myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop. (See my offer below for more details)
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciat or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 answers to intimate and compassionate communication, register for my 4 week interactive DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS class, beginning Tuesday, October 19th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Center for Spiritual Living, 2075 Occidental Road, Santa Rosa. We will look at the 5 mistakes or habits which are keeping us stuck and develop 5 new habits to cultivate to get the types of relationships that feed us.
Contact me by October 5th for the Early Bird Special of $80; $100 thereafter.
E-mail me at revdupcc@juno.com and recieve FREE, Tip 1 - The Feedback Loop.
Carol Chase, Compassionate Ways Communication
Conflict Mediation and Relationship Coach
Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.compassionateways.blogspot.com
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Practice
NEW 4 WEEK CLASS DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS starts Thursday Nov. 18th, 6:30-8:30 p.m. Learn the 4 step foundational process to get along with those "difficult" people in your life. Sessions are lively and fun. Stop the blame game and find a way to express and listen that connects to what is important to each person. EARLY BIRD SPECIAL $80 if paid in full by Oct. 5th, $100 thereafter. Payment plans available. Register with revdupcc@juno.com
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Testimonial
I am thrilled to have recently received an appreciation from a Mental Health County Agency for having made a difference. Here it is to share and celebrate with you all.
WEST COUNTY
www.westcountyservices.orq
Strengthening Families
Counseling + Prevention Services + Adult Employment + Senior Services
Emergency Services * Youth Education and Employment
June 18, 2010
Carol Chase
Certified Trainer in Nonviolent Communication
Dear Carol,
I want to thank you for the Nonviolent Communication Training you have provided
to our Empowerment Center Program and tell you about the phenomenal impact it
has had on our staff and members. The Empowerment Center
mental health and wellness drop-in center for those who want to transcend serious
and persistent mental illness. It seeks to offer a safe and supportive haven for its
members to pursue how to make a healthier life for themselves. The skills learned
from you and your staff have made a huge impact on the atmosphere at the Center
and in the lives of its members.
Part of what many at the Empowerment Center
comes from a history of trauma and abuse. These emotional wounds have made it
difficult to set appropriate boundaries with others, know how to communicate their
pain or anger effectively, or ask for their needs to be met. The tools they have
learned in the Nonviolent Communication group being offered to the members free
of charge have changed their interactions with each other and with staff
dramatically. They are able to identify and ask for what they need, address conflict
appropriately, and take risks toward healthy emotional intimacy. More than once, a
member has commented how they feel so much more capable to deal with the
situations and relationships in their lives. Members who, in the past, severed
relationships that manifested any form of conflict are now finding ways to resolve
that conflict and even have the relationships deepen as a result.
The Nonviolent Communication group being held weekly is the most well attended
group at the Center and is making a profound difference in the lives of many. I am
deeply grateful that you have brought this service to the Empowerment Center
members and my staff.
In gratitude,
Megan Rooney
Megan Rooney, MFT
Director of Counseling and Prevention Programs
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