Build a Block or a Bridge - Dissolve Conflicts Authentically with Care

Dissolving the apparent conflict between authenticity and care for others.

When we think about being honest or authentic with others, we sometimes hold back because we are afraid they will not like it, not like us or somehow it will only add fuel to the fire. In other words, we see it as a block.

We use terms such as ”brutal honesty”, “the hard cold facts” , “let ME tell you how it is”. It’s not surprising that others may become defensive if this is our intention.

How different might our language be if we first had the intention to offer our authenticity as a gift to another? I really want you to understand and see what’s going on inside of me and I want the same from you as a way for us to bridge our differences and care for each other.

Using the tools of Nonviolent Communication gives a frame of reference to venture out and offer our “gift” with the intention to bridge differences and care for ourselves as well as the other.

Using self-responsibility to lay the foundation for the bridge– this is what is going on in ME about ME. “ I’m having these thoughts…”, “I’m telling myself….” “it’s my understanding….” is a way to own our “truth”.

Follow this with “checking” what the other heard can invite the other to cross back on the bridge towards you. “Can you tell me what you heard, so we both have clarity?” Was message sent, message received?

Or, I’m checking, what’s going on for you about what I said?” This is an invitation to meet me part-way and I want to hear it and receive it as a gift.

By the way, we can receive it as a gift if we use our NVC skills to only hear what is behind the other’s judgments or thoughts about us. Remember the other person is attempting to be authentic as well, in their own way. And what is behind their words is something that is important to them – a universal need that we all share as human beings.

When you have something to say to another, ask yourself: “Do I want to create a block or a bridge? Can I say these words authentically with care for me and the other?”

Once we create a bridge, with authenticity, and invite the other to join us, we are more likely to find resolutions to our conflicts that include care for everyone.

I received a request from a friend to help her out in a too common situation. Relationship trouble. I replied to her and asked if I could share her question and my answer with my readers as a way to contribute to learning. Here is her question:

Carol, I had a breakdown in communication with my boyfriend. We got into an argument because we had gone to a party with a bunch of our friends, and he said that I hadn't given him any attention because I was so focused on everyone else.

When he confronted me with this issue, instead of hearing him out with what he had to say, I instantly shut him out and tried to defend myself. I tried to justify myself not paying him much attention by saying that we were both busy socializing with everyone and that I hadn't seen my friends in a while so I had missed them. This argument quickly changed from a simple discussion to voices being raised because we both just stopped hearing one another. I was very frustrated with the argument at the time because I felt like I needed understanding and consideration for my feelings about missing my friends. My job keeps me so busy, I just wanted a break and to laugh with my buds.

I realized I was so focused on my own needs that I didn't recognize that he had needs as well. At the time, I think he would have liked reassurance, belonging and intimacy. Unfortunately, I had failed to recognize that my avoidance had led to that. What should I do now?

Carol's Reply:
Friend, thank you for your question and your willingness to share your situation with my followers. From your description above, you sound disappointed that you did not connect with your boyfriend in a way that could have been more nurturing to both of you. I am appreciating what sounds to me like taking responsibility for your part. Hindsight can be valuable and at the same time, I hear you wish you had communicated differently.

I'd like to set forth a possibility of the way it might have gone if you had your "giraffe (NVC) ears on" as a way to offer learning. It may not have gone exactly the way I am portraying it, but I am extending it out a little so you can get the understanding of what to do when someone has resistance to connecting after our first empathy guess doesn't land.

Sometimes before I go back to the other person for a "do-over", I imagine how the discussion might have gone had I used my tools. So here is my idea of how you might picture it.

In the above case, when your boyfriend said what he said and you noticed you shut down, I can imagine you at that moment silently speaking to yourself (first with all your judgments) "wow, I didn't like what he said or the way he said it! He's not very understanding. Why does it have to be all about him? Let me breathe. What's going on for me? As I notice myself thinking these thoughts and shutting down, I am disappointed and rather than judgments from him, I want understanding about how much I have missed my friends and I want him to be generous and encourage me to spend time with them."

Ok, now that I am self-connected, I can offer him some empathy. "Boyfriend, are you disappointed because you want us to spend time together and you want reassurance that will happen tonight?"

He might say, "No, not tonight, right now!"

You could answer (with empathy): "Yes, and I also hear that you would like reassurance our spending time together is mutually important to me and maybe even a priority?"

"Yes."

"Well, hearing that (followed with honest expression), I am really torn because I want to spend time with you and I also want to spend time with my friends I haven't seen for awhile. I am wondering if you have an idea how we might arrange our time so I could do both?"

"It sounds like your friends are more important than me."

Silent Self-empathy "Oh brother, I thought if I was honest he'd be more understanding. I am really trying here and he isn't helping. So, guess I am disappointed and really wanting some hope right now we can work things out."

Empathy to Boyfriend: "Are you worried and want reassurance and care for what's important to you?"

Boyfriend: "Well, I want you to get what's important to you too, I just don't want it to cut into my time."

Silent self -empathy: At this point I feel relieved, because he is now including me and my concerns. "Boyfriend, I am touched hearing you want to consider what's important to me as well, that really is comforting and reassuring. Would you be willing to tell me how you feel hearing this?"

Boyfriend: "Well, er, I don't know, I kind of like how nice you are being about this.

You: "Thank you, I appreciate your noticing and wonder if it is because you know you matter and I want to find a way that is mutually satisfying to both of us?"

Boyfriend: "Yeah. Well, maybe you could spend the next half hour with your friends and then check in with me."

You: "I'm happy you have willingness to make that suggestion and think it's a great plan."
(kiss on the cheek).

It is my belief that every time we go back and have a do-over (in our own mind), that it somehow energetically affects how the other person is holding the situation. If I later physically go back and ask the other person something like, "I am sad and didn't like the way things ended with our conversation about the party, I'd like to suggest a do-over. Would you be willing to talk about it with me now?" My experience is that the other person is much more willing and in a shifted place as well. I believe it is the magic of empathy.

I would love to know if this was a contribution.