"Why won't you listen to me?" Sound familiar? One of the reasons we have trouble hearing someone else is because our minds are often racing and we are encouraged to multi-task to get things done. It isn't our common practice to focus on what is important to the other to the point of understanding their point of view, to be present with them. 99% of the time, in my opinion, what people want most is to know that they matter.
Here's a secret or two. One, the practice of keying in to what they are telling you is important to them, can confirm acceptance and reassurance. Second, we are well trained in describing what we don't want, so Flip the Coin. What would the other side of the coin look like. How wonderful would that side be flushed out fully. These two simple tips can change your perspective while practicing presence.
Learn the four step foundational process in sessions that are lively and fun. Stop the blame game and find a way to express and listen that connects to what is important to each person. Contact me for more information on classes or telephone coaching.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Uncovering our Compassionate Inherent Nature
In working with inmates at San Quentin prison, I was touched by their longing to find a way to express their frustration and despair in a way that doesn't result in violence. These men have been told that they are "bad" and by being punished when they are released, they will be "good".
In teaching them Nonviolent Communication, (based on Marshall Rosenberg's work- a philosophy that we are inherently compassionate and not against violence, but FOR life and the well-being of all people) I witnessed an excitement and hope that they might be able to connect differently with people to see what is behind their actions (in an attempt to meet the need that is motivating this action) and to see that there could be a different choice.
The question I'd like to explore is how can we uncover the peace that already exists. Deciding what is just and unjust can imply that someone is right and someone is wrong. If that is so, our present justice system then decides that someone deserves to be punished and the other rewarded. This "thinking" that has been the social norm for thousands of years is the basis of retributive justice. Are we mixing up value judgments with moral judgments? I don't want to be the authority telling people what is right and what is wrong, what is just and what is unjust. Instead I want to connect with the "life" in them that is motivating their words or actions. If I judge that George Bush is a monster, I'm not connecting with his desire to protect and create safety. I'm also not connecting with the fact that seeing his attempt to protect people, I feel terrified and I don't feel any safer. At this level I am at-one with the humanness of our dilemma. We both have a need for safety and it is only at the level of strategy that we disagree. When I focus on this, I no longer see an alien.
So, again it is getting back to the thinking that is perpetuating violence. Looking past the story or blame, which is actually the causing the pain, not the stimulus or effect, there are two things that distinguish truly nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, there is no enemy in the nonviolent point of view. Thinking is focused on protecting your needs or life-serving values and second, your intention is not to make anyone suffer.
How can we prevent violence today in connection with our world situation? To this point I believe we have not been listening to the messages coming to us from the Arab world. This pain of theirs has been expressed over and over for years. Responding with empathy or understanding for their pain could begin a dialog of a radically different sort. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, "We are getting to a point where our best protection is to communicate with the people we're most afraid of." I may not agree with their actions or words, but I can find common ground in the needs that are motivating their choices.
Is there someone in your life whose actions stimulate pain in you? Are you willing to look behind their words or actions and see if you can find the need they are ATTEMPTING to meet? Can you connect first with the common ground of their humanity (universal needs or values) first before you attempt to correct the situation or offer solutions? If I can start by connecting with my own peace and attempt to understand what is behind the pain of another, we might be able to start from a place of commonality instead of differences.
I would enjoy hearing back from anyone who is stimulated by this commentary.
If you would like more information about Nonviolent Communication & Marshall Rosenberg see www.cnvc.org
In teaching them Nonviolent Communication, (based on Marshall Rosenberg's work- a philosophy that we are inherently compassionate and not against violence, but FOR life and the well-being of all people) I witnessed an excitement and hope that they might be able to connect differently with people to see what is behind their actions (in an attempt to meet the need that is motivating this action) and to see that there could be a different choice.
The question I'd like to explore is how can we uncover the peace that already exists. Deciding what is just and unjust can imply that someone is right and someone is wrong. If that is so, our present justice system then decides that someone deserves to be punished and the other rewarded. This "thinking" that has been the social norm for thousands of years is the basis of retributive justice. Are we mixing up value judgments with moral judgments? I don't want to be the authority telling people what is right and what is wrong, what is just and what is unjust. Instead I want to connect with the "life" in them that is motivating their words or actions. If I judge that George Bush is a monster, I'm not connecting with his desire to protect and create safety. I'm also not connecting with the fact that seeing his attempt to protect people, I feel terrified and I don't feel any safer. At this level I am at-one with the humanness of our dilemma. We both have a need for safety and it is only at the level of strategy that we disagree. When I focus on this, I no longer see an alien.
So, again it is getting back to the thinking that is perpetuating violence. Looking past the story or blame, which is actually the causing the pain, not the stimulus or effect, there are two things that distinguish truly nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, there is no enemy in the nonviolent point of view. Thinking is focused on protecting your needs or life-serving values and second, your intention is not to make anyone suffer.
How can we prevent violence today in connection with our world situation? To this point I believe we have not been listening to the messages coming to us from the Arab world. This pain of theirs has been expressed over and over for years. Responding with empathy or understanding for their pain could begin a dialog of a radically different sort. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, "We are getting to a point where our best protection is to communicate with the people we're most afraid of." I may not agree with their actions or words, but I can find common ground in the needs that are motivating their choices.
Is there someone in your life whose actions stimulate pain in you? Are you willing to look behind their words or actions and see if you can find the need they are ATTEMPTING to meet? Can you connect first with the common ground of their humanity (universal needs or values) first before you attempt to correct the situation or offer solutions? If I can start by connecting with my own peace and attempt to understand what is behind the pain of another, we might be able to start from a place of commonality instead of differences.
I would enjoy hearing back from anyone who is stimulated by this commentary.
If you would like more information about Nonviolent Communication & Marshall Rosenberg see www.cnvc.org
Saturday, September 25, 2010
5 Habits to Creating Better Relationships
Learn the 5 mistakes to avoid when communication breaks down. Replace them with 5 new habits of communication in a lively and interactive class setting with Conflict Mediation Coach Carol Chase.
I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation and the next thing I know he is ranting and raving.
It’s like a switch was flipped and he went off on me.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful mistakes and sometimes relationship crushing habits.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before my 4 divorces. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but I think they are missing the boat.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them can be very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is the LISTENING SWITCH. Make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a caring and compassionate conversation – to defending yourself against judgments and blame from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know what flipped the switch, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or loud – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s so frustrating. It can be at this point you experience a sense of powerlessness or despair.
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to turn it back on… to get back the trust again, to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and there are hurt feelings, confusion, ed, misunderstanding and blame… becoming either defensive or wanting to hurtback. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage the love may still exist… but getting along is challenging, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Or they travel down the river of Denial, Giving Up or Giving In.
Maybe you are single and don't want to make these mistakes again. It's hard to want to get back in the dating game, when you are, like I was, O for 4 and didn't have much hope of things being different
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
Consider having compassion for yourself. Most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You now have some possible answers, available right now.
There is a communication method that will help you open ears and be heard, open minds and be understood, and open hearts listening with compassion.
What you are about to discover is a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this class, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Building your Case rather than Connection
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Assuming (making an ass out of you and me)
mistake 4) Stuffing It
mistake 5) Fixing It
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: What usually happens when we think someone is not getting us? We often talk faster and louder. I know I sure did. There is a myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop. (See my offer below for more details)
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciat or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 answers to intimate and compassionate communication, register for my 4 week interactive DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS class, beginning Tuesday, October 19th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Center for Spiritual Living, 2075 Occidental Road, Santa Rosa. We will look at the 5 mistakes or habits which are keeping us stuck and develop 5 new habits to cultivate to get the types of relationships that feed us.
Contact me by October 5th for the Early Bird Special of $80; $100 thereafter.
E-mail me at revdupcc@juno.com and recieve FREE, Tip 1 - The Feedback Loop.
Carol Chase, Compassionate Ways Communication
Conflict Mediation and Relationship Coach
Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.compassionateways.blogspot.com
I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation and the next thing I know he is ranting and raving.
It’s like a switch was flipped and he went off on me.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful mistakes and sometimes relationship crushing habits.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before my 4 divorces. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but I think they are missing the boat.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them can be very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is the LISTENING SWITCH. Make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a caring and compassionate conversation – to defending yourself against judgments and blame from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know what flipped the switch, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or loud – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s so frustrating. It can be at this point you experience a sense of powerlessness or despair.
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to turn it back on… to get back the trust again, to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and there are hurt feelings, confusion, ed, misunderstanding and blame… becoming either defensive or wanting to hurtback. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage the love may still exist… but getting along is challenging, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Or they travel down the river of Denial, Giving Up or Giving In.
Maybe you are single and don't want to make these mistakes again. It's hard to want to get back in the dating game, when you are, like I was, O for 4 and didn't have much hope of things being different
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
Consider having compassion for yourself. Most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You now have some possible answers, available right now.
There is a communication method that will help you open ears and be heard, open minds and be understood, and open hearts listening with compassion.
What you are about to discover is a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this class, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Building your Case rather than Connection
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Assuming (making an ass out of you and me)
mistake 4) Stuffing It
mistake 5) Fixing It
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: What usually happens when we think someone is not getting us? We often talk faster and louder. I know I sure did. There is a myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop. (See my offer below for more details)
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciat or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 answers to intimate and compassionate communication, register for my 4 week interactive DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS class, beginning Tuesday, October 19th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Center for Spiritual Living, 2075 Occidental Road, Santa Rosa. We will look at the 5 mistakes or habits which are keeping us stuck and develop 5 new habits to cultivate to get the types of relationships that feed us.
Contact me by October 5th for the Early Bird Special of $80; $100 thereafter.
E-mail me at revdupcc@juno.com and recieve FREE, Tip 1 - The Feedback Loop.
Carol Chase, Compassionate Ways Communication
Conflict Mediation and Relationship Coach
Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.compassionateways.blogspot.com
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Practice
NEW 4 WEEK CLASS DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS starts Thursday Nov. 18th, 6:30-8:30 p.m. Learn the 4 step foundational process to get along with those "difficult" people in your life. Sessions are lively and fun. Stop the blame game and find a way to express and listen that connects to what is important to each person. EARLY BIRD SPECIAL $80 if paid in full by Oct. 5th, $100 thereafter. Payment plans available. Register with revdupcc@juno.com
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Testimonial
I am thrilled to have recently received an appreciation from a Mental Health County Agency for having made a difference. Here it is to share and celebrate with you all.
WEST COUNTY
www.westcountyservices.orq
Strengthening Families
Counseling + Prevention Services + Adult Employment + Senior Services
Emergency Services * Youth Education and Employment
June 18, 2010
Carol Chase
Certified Trainer in Nonviolent Communication
Dear Carol,
I want to thank you for the Nonviolent Communication Training you have provided
to our Empowerment Center Program and tell you about the phenomenal impact it
has had on our staff and members. The Empowerment Center
mental health and wellness drop-in center for those who want to transcend serious
and persistent mental illness. It seeks to offer a safe and supportive haven for its
members to pursue how to make a healthier life for themselves. The skills learned
from you and your staff have made a huge impact on the atmosphere at the Center
and in the lives of its members.
Part of what many at the Empowerment Center
comes from a history of trauma and abuse. These emotional wounds have made it
difficult to set appropriate boundaries with others, know how to communicate their
pain or anger effectively, or ask for their needs to be met. The tools they have
learned in the Nonviolent Communication group being offered to the members free
of charge have changed their interactions with each other and with staff
dramatically. They are able to identify and ask for what they need, address conflict
appropriately, and take risks toward healthy emotional intimacy. More than once, a
member has commented how they feel so much more capable to deal with the
situations and relationships in their lives. Members who, in the past, severed
relationships that manifested any form of conflict are now finding ways to resolve
that conflict and even have the relationships deepen as a result.
The Nonviolent Communication group being held weekly is the most well attended
group at the Center and is making a profound difference in the lives of many. I am
deeply grateful that you have brought this service to the Empowerment Center
members and my staff.
In gratitude,
Megan Rooney
Megan Rooney, MFT
Director of Counseling and Prevention Programs
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Pet Psychic
I followed my intuition when I heard that Marla was going to be in Copperfields Bookstore offering readings. Taking my little Lulu in hand, we entered the dark cavern of the unknown, and experienced a remarkable lady with insight, suggestions and a surprising response from Lulu. Often frightened of strangers, she sat next to Marla, sniffed her and licked her fingers as Marla held them down to her.
Having gotten Lulu out of a kill shelter because of her "fear aggression"- barking and nipping at strangers, it has been frustrating to find ways to help her build trust. I really like the "new to me" training perspective that ignores behavior that doesn't support connection and offering kindness and treats for behavior that creates more harmony in the home. However, it has only gone so far. Marla suggested continuing to socialize her in additional settings. She also indicated that Lulu has a vision issue that may have to do with something coming at her that could have history from her past. This makes sense as she is often ok with strangers until they reach to pet her, especially over her head. The surprise was when Marla said, "I don't know if you two are involved or go to church, but Lulu keeps saying... I want to go to church." My partner and I laughed as I work at a church and sometimes take her along when we are doing set up work. She loves to run around the hallways and explore.
We also received an audio CD and will listen to its soothing meditations and affirmations. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
Having gotten Lulu out of a kill shelter because of her "fear aggression"- barking and nipping at strangers, it has been frustrating to find ways to help her build trust. I really like the "new to me" training perspective that ignores behavior that doesn't support connection and offering kindness and treats for behavior that creates more harmony in the home. However, it has only gone so far. Marla suggested continuing to socialize her in additional settings. She also indicated that Lulu has a vision issue that may have to do with something coming at her that could have history from her past. This makes sense as she is often ok with strangers until they reach to pet her, especially over her head. The surprise was when Marla said, "I don't know if you two are involved or go to church, but Lulu keeps saying... I want to go to church." My partner and I laughed as I work at a church and sometimes take her along when we are doing set up work. She loves to run around the hallways and explore.
We also received an audio CD and will listen to its soothing meditations and affirmations. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
Monday, April 5, 2010
So Many Marketing Tools
Wow, every day I get a new invite to another teleseminar that promises me ways to get the most out of twitter, sitter and don't be bitter or maketing penetration or ..... Now, I am not a nay sayer by any stretch... however, it is overwhelming and just when I learn how to blog then they want me to tweet or use some other new techie tool. I do love all these modern technologies, but hey I am only one gal with one keyboard and only so much time.... Oh by the way, I did just discover Spider Solitare. So rather than sign up for yet another educational class... I think I'll see if I can better my Spider score. Anyone else have this dilemma?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
NVC Practice Group
The purpose of a practice group seems obvious - to practice in order to become proficient. The tricky part, for me, about NVC is that we are using English words, but we are speaking a foreign language. Foreign because it is not the norm or the habitual, so it takes conscious choice to change our habit to the new way, with which we are not yet comfortable. There may be stumbling and hesitancy, but for me, it is well worth the effort. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I am able to contribute right where I am by choosing to translate my own judgments (Marshall Rosenberg, the Founder of NVC, calls it "the Jackal show". I also call it "the story". Ever been aware that you have this inner dialog going on and you are going round and round in circles? I have and usually it is not fun. The way to interrupt the story is to look inward to see what is behind the story. What am I feeling? Usually my body can clue me in - tightness in my shoulders, restriction in my chest - some form of contraction. After I get in touch there, I move to asking myself - "what is important here to me?" "What is it I am yearning for?" For me, I am surprised the number of times it is trust - sometimes self trust, sometimes trust in others, but often just trusting in God or the Universe. I am grateful for the relief I often feel in this understanding. I also have a sense of peace and more willingness to trust in that moment just having named the need (or value). If you want to know more about Practice Groups and where you might find one in your area, send me an e-mail.
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