Dissolving the apparent conflict between authenticity and care for others.
When we think about being honest or authentic with others, we sometimes hold back because we are afraid they will not like it, not like us or somehow it will only add fuel to the fire. In other words, we see it as a block.
We use terms such as ”brutal honesty”, “the hard cold facts” , “let ME tell you how it is”. It’s not surprising that others may become defensive if this is our intention.
How different might our language be if we first had the intention to offer our authenticity as a gift to another? I really want you to understand and see what’s going on inside of me and I want the same from you as a way for us to bridge our differences and care for each other.
Using the tools of Nonviolent Communication gives a frame of reference to venture out and offer our “gift” with the intention to bridge differences and care for ourselves as well as the other.
Using self-responsibility to lay the foundation for the bridge– this is what is going on in ME about ME. “ I’m having these thoughts…”, “I’m telling myself….” “it’s my understanding….” is a way to own our “truth”.
Follow this with “checking” what the other heard can invite the other to cross back on the bridge towards you. “Can you tell me what you heard, so we both have clarity?” Was message sent, message received?
Or, I’m checking, what’s going on for you about what I said?” This is an invitation to meet me part-way and I want to hear it and receive it as a gift.
By the way, we can receive it as a gift if we use our NVC skills to only hear what is behind the other’s judgments or thoughts about us. Remember the other person is attempting to be authentic as well, in their own way. And what is behind their words is something that is important to them – a universal need that we all share as human beings.
When you have something to say to another, ask yourself: “Do I want to create a block or a bridge? Can I say these words authentically with care for me and the other?”
Once we create a bridge, with authenticity, and invite the other to join us, we are more likely to find resolutions to our conflicts that include care for everyone.
