Learn the 5 mistakes to avoid when communication breaks down. Replace them with 5 new habits of communication in a lively and interactive class setting with Conflict Mediation Coach Carol Chase.
I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation and the next thing I know he is ranting and raving.
It’s like a switch was flipped and he went off on me.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful mistakes and sometimes relationship crushing habits.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before my 4 divorces. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but I think they are missing the boat.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them can be very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is the LISTENING SWITCH. Make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a caring and compassionate conversation – to defending yourself against judgments and blame from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know what flipped the switch, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or loud – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s so frustrating. It can be at this point you experience a sense of powerlessness or despair.
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to turn it back on… to get back the trust again, to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and there are hurt feelings, confusion, ed, misunderstanding and blame… becoming either defensive or wanting to hurtback. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage the love may still exist… but getting along is challenging, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Or they travel down the river of Denial, Giving Up or Giving In.
Maybe you are single and don't want to make these mistakes again. It's hard to want to get back in the dating game, when you are, like I was, O for 4 and didn't have much hope of things being different
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
Consider having compassion for yourself. Most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You now have some possible answers, available right now.
There is a communication method that will help you open ears and be heard, open minds and be understood, and open hearts listening with compassion.
What you are about to discover is a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this class, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Building your Case rather than Connection
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Assuming (making an ass out of you and me)
mistake 4) Stuffing It
mistake 5) Fixing It
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: What usually happens when we think someone is not getting us? We often talk faster and louder. I know I sure did. There is a myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop. (See my offer below for more details)
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciat or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 answers to intimate and compassionate communication, register for my 4 week interactive DEEPEN YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS class, beginning Tuesday, October 19th from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Center for Spiritual Living, 2075 Occidental Road, Santa Rosa. We will look at the 5 mistakes or habits which are keeping us stuck and develop 5 new habits to cultivate to get the types of relationships that feed us.
Contact me by October 5th for the Early Bird Special of $80; $100 thereafter.
E-mail me at revdupcc@juno.com and recieve FREE, Tip 1 - The Feedback Loop.
Carol Chase, Compassionate Ways Communication
Conflict Mediation and Relationship Coach
Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.compassionateways.blogspot.com
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